In the season of Love

Well it’s February!

The month of love. Valentine vibe is around.

Spending time with our most favorite people!
And of course, our love once.

I learnt a lot from this month.

Not only about a relationship, but really experience it all.

From exhaustion, emptiness, the fear of being left alone, but at the same time, the joy of love.

Weird isn’t it.

Even though I am surrounded by people around that support and loves me, sometimes it just not enough.

Recently I felt that black and white feeling that growls in my heart.

Sense loved, but feeling despair at the same time.

In terms of my relationship with my boyfriend, I think our love for one another just grow and become stronger every day.

But I feel that there is just something wrong with me.

I love him but I love him too much. Too deep.

That I become too dependent and afraid of loosing him. So much.

Seriously, it bothers me a lot. Like I have to know his condition and his being 24/7.

Then my expression of love becomes too weird and unhealthy for us.

I have this believe that “If I want him to be in my life, I have to give everything of me for him

That perception ruins us. It becomes a vicious cycle in my mind and I please him. It’s like my heart screams and beg him to stay.

I told you guys recently through my writings in the blog a few months back that the foundation of a relationship should be healthy and strong.

For this past few months, I think we just ruin our foundation of this relationship. We just screwed up.

One thing that my boyfriend said to me that makes my heart just like pouring out of tears,
“I love you not because of your body”.

Somehow there is still part of me that still believes that someone loves me because they want to take something from me.

Deep down in my heart, still believes that.

I do not know whether each one of you experiences this or not. But I felt that.

Some women out there, live in this type of relationship. Where they please their man so that they receive love.

Whether they realize that cycle in their mind, or it just flows out unconsciously in their actions.

I do not know your issues with your past, but somehow I learn from my experience that broken people will have this kind of issues.

Somehow some women out there never really have the figure that love them unconditionally. The love vessel in their heart has never been filled fully. They will keep searching and willing to do anything to receive love.

I have been there. And it kills me inside.

I am very grateful that I get to learn and spent these past few years with my boyfriend. I learnt a lot from him.

But it does not mean that he can heal my wounds.

I cannot use him for my own issues, no.

I cannot use our relationship to heal my broken wounds.

It just does not work that way.

all I can say is
Yes, you.
You are not alone.
The feelings deep down in your heart are real.
Do not hide it.
It is okay to have issues.
It is okay to admit that you are desperate for love.
You do not felt loved.
nor accepted.
Maybe you are still struggling with your issues in the past.
Forgive and make peace with it.
It is hard. I know.

Healing takes time. It drains you.
But you are still worthy to be loved.

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